Negotiate Your Way To A
Cheap Wedding

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Chapter 3: Getting down to negotiation

We’ve talked about what negotiation is and dispelled some myths about what it’s not, you’ve done your research and know what you want, so now we let’s talk about how we actually negotiate with suppliers.

This chapter will take you through a journey so you understand what style or approach to use with different types of supplier, how to develop a good rapport with your supplier, how to develop your confidence so you’re more successful and how to use the right language to get the response you want.

There are also plenty of tips to help make sure your negotiation is successful. So you’ll walk into the negotiation confident and with a winning mindset.


Choose the right style for the right situation

Earlier we talked about two different styles of negotiation – distributive (fixed pie) and integrative (relationship based). With different wedding suppliers, you’ll probably use both of these techniques depending on the situation, but more often than not, especially with the big purchases; you should try to use the integrative approach where both parties ‘win’.

The reason I suggest this, is many of your big purchases will require an ongoing relationship where you’ll meet with the supplier regularly to discuss your needs. You’ll also want to ensure that they provide the product or service as you agreed. You therefore need a good relationship with them and since the integrative approach is a ‘win-win’ solution, both parties gain from the ongoing relationship.

The integrative approach also gives you better leverage to negotiate on things other than price. With this approach it’s easier to try to expand the offering as the supplier will be warmer to you, than with the distributive or ‘win-lose’ approach.

Dress makers, florists, venues, caterers and photographers are all suppliers that you’ll use the integrative approach with.

Where no relationship is required and there is little emotional involvement with the purchase, you can use the distributive approach. Buying favours, stationery, accessories, decorations or gifts would work well with this style.

With these kinds of items, you literally go into the shop or online store to purchase and then walk out, never to see the supplier again. There is little or no emotional involvement with the purchase and the only area you can really leverage is the price or the quantity for the price.

Because there is no emotional involvement with these items and they are easily found elsewhere, there isn’t too much of a concern if the outcome of the negotiation with one supplier is a stalemate situation. Here, you can always move onto the next supplier and try again.

The focus of the rest of this chapter is going to be on the integrative approach as it’s here that you’ll get most of your savings.


A relationship is essential to negotiation

Negotiation is all about discussion. In order to get a better deal or more for your money, you need to talk to the supplier. It’s an essential part of the process.

With the integrative approach of negotiation, having a relationship with the suppliers is what it’s all about. After all, if you have a good relationship with someone, they’re more likely to help you.

Think about the people you work with. Those that like you are much more willing to help you than those that you don’t know at all, unless of course you’re the boss. In my job as a advertising executive, relationships were critical to getting the job done. I had to leverage all my power of persuasion to ensure we delivered for our client. If I didn’t have those good relationships, I would have failed in my job and probably got the sack! What about in your work? Don’t you find that it’s easier to get other people to help you if you have a good relationship with them?

It’s the same with your wedding suppliers. Get them to like you, involve them in your conversations, use their expertise and make them a friend. They’ll then be far more willing to provide you with additional services, or work within your budget than those who you have no relationship with.

Another way to see them is as a partner or friend up to and on your wedding day. Best to keep them that way to ensure you get the result you want.


Developing good rapport and relationships

So how do you go about building a relationship with someone? For some people, it just comes naturally, for others it’s a bit more work.

These days, most of us don’t even stop to say ‘hi’ to people we know on the street, let alone strike up a conversation with strangers in a shop. Well, to get what you want, you’re going to have to!

Building rapport with your suppliers is going to be critical to getting them to like you. And, as I’ve said before, when someone likes you, they’ll do more for you.

Rapport is the foundation of a good relationship. If you can build up rapport with someone, you’re well on the way to having a good, solid, strong and long relationship.

Rapport can be formed through verbal and non-verbal communication. First all let’s start with non-verbal communication.

Building rapport through non-verbal communication
You can break the ice in an instant with a smile. A smile really does go a long way. It makes people feel at ease, shows you’re relaxed, non-threatening and most of all, friendly. More often than not, the response from the other party will be a smile in return. So immediately, you’ve broken the ice and there’s warmth between you.

The way you smile is important. So relax and give them a genuine smile where you show your teeth and the smile extends all the way to your eyes. Have you ever heard of the expression ‘smile with your eyes’? A smile that extends to your eyes always looks more genuine. So look out for people with weathered eyes – they’re likely to be friendlier from all that smiling! (Only joking).

Eyes are also important as you can show interest in what a person is saying. By making eye-contact, not only are you engaging with that person, you’re also showing you’re confident. Think about a shy teenager, they usually look down and fumble with their hands. Do you think this shows confidence? If they looked you in the eye though, they would seem more assertive and if they smile too, then they become welcoming and warm.

How often have your tried to shy away from people by not making eye contact? Think about when you’re on trains, on the street or on the bus. We try to keep our guard up, avoid contact with people and give off ‘closed’ body language to prevent drawing attention to ourselves.

Now you need to turn that around and start making more eye contact with people. It will be good practice for when you start to negotiate. Practice in the street, on public transport or in a shop. Look what happens when you look someone in the eye and smile. You’ll probably find that they look back and smile too – it’s an automatic response.

You can also build rapport through showing that you’re interested in what the other person is saying. By this point, you’ve already started the verbal part of building rapport, but your non-verbal rapport building will continue. By active listening, i.e. nodding your head, tilting your head slightly to the side to show that whilst they’re talking they’re dominant, and making sounds of agreement, you show that you’re interested in what they say and that you agree with it. You’ll make the other person believe that you’re genuinely interested in them making them feel more at ease and comfortable.

Your posture is also important in building rapport. The way we stand or sit can have a massive impact on how people perceive us. For example, if you sit crossed-legged and have your arms crossed in front of your chest, you’re telling the person you’re with that you’re not interested. You body is ‘closed’ and defensive. On the other hand, if you sit in a relaxed way, with your arms by your side, you’re showing you’re open to the other party’s suggestions.

The best way to make the most of your posture though is to try and mimic the other person. It’s essential that this is done as naturally as possible; otherwise you run the risk of them feeling very uncomfortable! Some things that you could do would be to sit in the same way they’re sat or tilt your head in the same way. The reason this works is that naturally we tend to mirror people that we like, after all, it’s only natural to learn behaviour from those that we admire. Try this in your workplace and see if it makes a difference to the way other people respond to you.

Finally, it’s important not to force your non-verbal communication. There’s nothing worse than someone staring at you with wide eyes and a fake smile like a Cheshire cat! So be careful and keep it natural.

Building rapport through verbal communication
What you say also plays a part in building the rapport and relationship with your suppliers. Coupled with your non-verbal tactics, you’ll be on to a winner.

Some of the ways that you can start to build rapport is to be more open in your conversation. Often we answer with one word responses to questions we’re asked. For example, we’re always ‘fine’ when people ask us how we are. Try to offer up more information to spark interest and start a conversation.

Some simple ways to do this are to ask about the weather, their family or business. You’re trying to find out something about them and ideally you’re looking for something that will develop into a conversation. It’s important here that the answers you give to their questions are not one-word answers. Give them full answers and offer up more, so they’ll be interested in starting a conversation.

Polite conversation often doesn’t go very far, but it is certainly a start and its good practice. You’re also likely to build nuggets of information that you can build upon the next time you meet.

Where you can really start to develop a relationship is to ask their opinion. Use their expertise to find out more information about the service, how to do things or what they think. By doing so, you’re showing that you respect their expertise and value their opinion, which is very complementary.

When you’re beginning these conversations, don’t forget about your non-verbal communication as well. Think about where you’re looking, smile, acknowledge what they say with active listening and have an open posture.

Before you know it, you’ll be perceived as friendly, welcoming, interesting and likeable. More importantly, it’ll be harder for them to say 'no' to you.

The importance of building rapport
When you’re building rapport with people around you or your suppliers, you’re looking to strengthen the relationship you have with them, so that later down the line it will be much easier to ask for more.

A good relationship will also be important when things don’t quite go according to plan. You’ll be more comfortable and confident about asking for compensation if you already have a positive relationship with the supplier. It’ll also ensure that any issues get resolved faster as people generally want to please people that they like.

Look at it the other way, if you’re just trying to get your own way, being aggressive or want to win at all costs, it shows that you’re not interested in helping the other person. So it’s important to avoid these types of behaviour and focus on rapport building with your suppliers as you’ll end up getting more out of them.


Building YOUR confidence

One of the biggest barriers to negotiating is having the confidence to ask for a discount or ask for more. Most of us are out of our comfort zones as it’s a situation we’re not used to.

Building rapport with your suppliers will help you to build your confidence. Simply by making eye contact and smiling will change the dynamic of the conversation you’re just about to have. It will be easier to have any conversation with them – whether you’re asking for more or not.

When you develop rapport over time with your suppliers, the conversations that you usually find difficult will become much easier and if you work on your non-verbal communication, or body language, such as eye contact and posture, you give off an air of confidence, even if you’re not feeling that confident!

Some simply ways to ensure you feel and appear confident are as follows:

Speak clearly by opening your mouth fully when you speak and making sure your words are not muffled. Stand tall and hold your head high, put a smile on your face and look into the eyes of the person you’re dealing with.

Answer honestly if the supplier asks you any questions. There’s nothing worse than having to keep up a lie. Honesty suggests that you’ve got nothing to hide and you’ll look more confident. If you don’t know an answer to a question, tell them you need to discuss that with your partner and you’ll come back to them.

Prepare thoroughly before you meet with them. If you’re prepared and know what you’re looking for you’ll immediately sound more confident. Chapter 2, ‘Getting ready for negotiation’ is an absolute must read to ensure you feel more confident about what you’re doing.

Think positive about what the outcome will be. Think about what you want the end result to be and work towards that. A bit of positive thinking about achieving that outcome will go along way to boosting your confidence.

Start with goals that can easily be won first and work up to bigger ones. If you start small and succeed, your confidence will grow with you, rather than trying to win the big ones first and setting yourself up for a fall.

Practice your tactics and rapport building on everyday things at first. Build up your negotiating skills slowly, working up to the big wins.

Accept that sometimes things won’t go according to plan. That’s ok. What did you learn from it and how can you make it better next time? Then try it again.


The right language

When you’ve practised lots and you feel ready to start getting down to business with suppliers, you’ll need to think about the language you use. Language is very important as it can be the difference between getting a ‘no’ response and a ‘yes’ response.

Language can be looked at separately from the other things we’ve talked about, but rapport building and confidence will only strengthen your success and lead to the outcome you want. So really, use a combination of these tactics to ensure you win.

When you get in front of the supplier, you’ve done all your preparation, you’ve built a bit of rapport with them, next comes your request for a discount or more extras. How exactly should you word this?

There are certainly some ways of wording the request that you should avoid and there are some that will help you get your desired response. Here’s an outline of some of these:

Avoid using negative language
Many people approach negotiation with the attitude that they’re not going to get a discount or get what they want. It comes down to the idea that we’re used to getting what we’re given and paying the price on the price tag.

Many people ask questions to their suppliers that evoke a one word answer. More importantly, they use a negative question that already assumes that you know what you want isn’t possible. The response you get from the supplier is a big, fat ‘no’. Look at these examples, how many times have you used them and failed?

Instead of these negative questions, you need to use positive statements that show you’re confident and a serious buyer.

Positive language encourages a ‘yes’ response
If you avoid the negatives and put a positive spin on the question, you’ll more than likely get a ‘yes’ response. Obviously, the more ‘yes’ responses you get, the better the outcome will be. As soon as you hit a ‘no’, it’s difficult to go further, but we’ll cover tricks to get past this hurdle later. At the moment, these tips are about beginning the negotiation, so let’s focus on the first few ‘yes’ responses.

Once you’ve built up a rapport you can start to talk about the relationship between you and the supplier. You can do this by using a plural in your questions which suggest you’re a team, you work together, you want both parties to be involved and gain from the deal. This kind of language virtually always gets a ‘yes’ response.

Another way to use positive language is to use statements, rather than questions. Statements tend to be more factual, suggest confidence and that you’re a serious buyer. Notice how each of the statements take you one step closer to finalising the deal and show that you’re genuinely interested. They’re positive statements and if the supplier wants a sale, then you’re likely to get the deal you want.

Another trick with the supplier is to assume that items are included when you’re asking the supplier, rather than asking the supplier outright if the item is included. (This is the only time I’ll ask you to assume anything. In general, never assume anything – especially when you’re fact finding.)

Take a look at these examples:

You’re assuming that ribbon is included with the purchase, which makes it harder for the supplier to say ‘no’. If they want to make a sale, they’re likely to throw it in.

So, you can see that the language you use has a huge affect on the outcome of your negotiations. Don’t forget though, that your rapport with the supplier and your confidence will also go along way to making sure you get what you want.


Speaking to the right person and authority figures

Ideally, when you negotiate you need to speak to the person who has the authority to make the decision. After all, they’re the budget holder or know the flexibility of the business.

Usually the people we deal with in day-to-day business are those on the shop floor. They’re shop assistants or floor managers and rarely have the power to cut you a deal. After all they don’t know how much discount they can offer as they don’t set the pricing or simply don’t have the authority.

The wedding industry is a little bit different though. Many of the suppliers are independent shops or businesses where you can easily access the person who can make the kind of decisions you need. For example you would easily have access to the wedding planner or hotel manager of your venue, the owner of the jewellery shop or the bridal boutique. They know their own pricing structure and profit margins, so they know how far they can go when making a deal with you.

Authority figures
Sometimes the person you’re speaking to may in fact use an authority figure. This is where you negotiate to a point, but then the person you’re dealing with decides they don’t have the authority to go further. Instead, they need to consult with someone that holds the power. At this point they will defer to their boss or manager – the authority figure. Usually, the authority figure can’t be seen by you. They’re either on the phone, out the back or in the office. The person you’re dealing with will often leave you mulling over the last offer while they speak to the authority figure to get the okay.

Interestingly, this can usually work in your favour. If you’re a serious buyer, then the authority figure may actually go one step further and offer you more. They may also say ‘no’, but this isn’t a problem as usually they’ll just go back to the last negotiation point. It is very unlikely they’ll risk losing the sale and back out completely.

Some suppliers even use fake authority figures. The reason they do this is often because the person you’re dealing with doesn’t want to be the person to say ‘no’ to you. (You see, all that rapport building worked!) Instead, they’ll leave the room and speak to their ‘supervisor’, only to come back and say the supervisor has said ‘no’. This is a classic good cop, bad cop scenario – no one really likes to play the bad cop and say ‘no’, hence the fake authority figure.

You can use exactly the same tactics as well in your negotiation. There are several ways you can do this. You can use an authority figure to stall the negotiation. This is especially useful if the supplier is pressurising you to buy and you want more time to think about it. All you need to do is say that you need to check with ‘your parents’ before committing, but that you will get back to them tomorrow morning. This is also a good time to check that the offer is their best, because if your authority figure (your parents) believe that it’s not the best deal the supplier can offer, the supplier will run the risk of losing the sale. This gives the supplier one last chance to give you their best deal.


How far can you go?

Most people wonder just how far they can push the negotiations with monetary discounts. They’re unsure as to what is ‘winning at all costs’ and what’s being fair. My response would be that a supplier will let you know when it’s fair and when it’s not. After all, they’d be a fool to be giving their business away.

But what does that equate to? A 5% discount? A 20% discount? A 50% discount? Well, no two suppliers are equal and it really depends on the value of the product or service you’re buying, how much rapport you have with the supplier, your confidence and your experience.

Don’t be put off though; there are some simple things that you can do to get that price down. First of all, you need to be patient. It’s best not to rush the negotiation so make sure you have plenty of time.

When they give you their first offer, never accept it. This isn’t the offer on the price tag; this is the first offer of a discount they give you. It’s usually a token gesture and may be around 5-10%. Let them know you’re interested and use some of the positive language I mentioned earlier.

The next offer they put on the table will likely go further, in fact, if you continue to show your interest, use positive language and perhaps a comparison to one of their competitors, you’ll probably find they’ll reduce the price a third time. Don’t forget, stay calm, be patient and don’t rush.

Negotiation isn’t just about price. You can negotiate on everything. Remember the meaning of the word ‘negotiate’, let’s remind ourselves:

So it’s not all about money. Think about the kinds of things you want included in the service or as part of the offering and ask to have them included. As Chris Evans, Radio One DJ and successful media mogul says “if you reach for the stars, you get the sky thrown in for free!”.

When you start to include things as part of the price, you need to be confident and straightforward. Simply ask for more than you want and you’re likely to end up pleased. Make sure you use positive statements that encourage a ‘yes’ response.

Don’t forget, it’s likely that you’ve just agreed an amount to pay, so remind them how much you’re spending with them and try to avoid the word ‘free’. For example:

The best thing to do would be to try and practice as many real life situations as possible before you start negotiating with wedding suppliers. You’ll be more confident, be better able to deal with the situation and you can practice different techniques to find one that suits you.


The joy of silence

Silence really is golden. It can say a thousand words and mean a thousand things. In your negotiations, using a well timed silence can signify that you’re not happy with the offer on the table and that you expect the supplier to do better. When accompanied with a (very) subtle raise of the eyebrow, it can make the other party offer you more without you saying anything!

Another interesting situation is when people are nervous they tend to talk. People don’t like awkward silences, so they will fill the gap. It’s in these moments that suppliers may offer you more, so take your time and keep quiet. You may end up getting more for your money.


What happens when it all goes wrong?

Sometimes when you start to negotiate it all just goes horribly wrong. Either the supplier just isn’t interested or you’ve gone to jelly and the discussions go nowhere. What do you do in this situation and should you walk away?

Knowing when not to negotiate
It’s important to be able to judge the situation and determine whether or not the conditions are right for negotiation. There maybe several reasons why things aren’t quite right. Perhaps you’re not feeling up to it, the supplier isn’t in a good mood and your rapport building hasn’t been successful or the right person isn’t around to speak to. Whatever the situation, it’s okay not to negotiate. You can always return another day.

Sometimes you may find that some suppliers aren't 'open' to negotiations at all. Not everyone is, and before reading this book, you probably weren't either! If you come across suppliers like this, ask yourself if you want to work this kind of person. If the answer is 'no', then walk away, there are plenty more suppliers around.

If you find yourself in any of these situations, use the time as an opportunity to do some further fact finding and build your knowledge of the service. It will also help you be more prepared and feel more confident when you come back next time to negotiate.

Dealing with difficult situations
Sometimes, difficult situations arise because one party is in a bad mood, being antagonistic or argumentative. If you find yourself in this situation, whether you or the supplier is creating the difficult situation, it’s best not to negotiate as you won’t really get anywhere. The simplest and best thing to do here is walk away from the negotiation and use the time to fact find.

In other circumstances, difficult situations arise because the supplier has messed up. This is usually followed by an awkward conversation where you need to assert your unhappiness at the situation. As a general rule of thumb, we don’t like to complain, but it’s important that we do. Good customer service dictates that you should be compensated when things go wrong to restore your value and belief in the supplier.

In an ideal world of perfect customer service, the supplier would initiate this where they explain the situation and offer the compensation immediately. Unfortunately this isn’t always the case and so you need to push (gently) for compensation to make the situation right.

The difficulty is when emotions get involved. Clarity and objectivity go out the window, discussions become tense and voices rise, creating awkward situations between the parties. This only helps you vent your anger; it doesn’t help remedy the situation. In fact it only worsens the relationship you’ve worked so hard to build up with your supplier.

Should something go wrong with your booking or order, you’re likely to get upset as you’re so emotionally involved with your wedding. It’s really important that you keep your objectivity and stay focussed on what’s happened. If you stay calm, the outcome will probably be in your favour and you will avoid an awkward situation.

If you don’t think you will keep your composure, consider asking someone less emotionally attached to deal with it. Someone such as your partner, your parents or a close relative is perfect. Make sure you brief them as to what you want and see how they can work their magic. Be sure to encourage them not to antagonise the supplier to ensure the relationship remains good (you don’t want them ruining all your hard work). I have to say, if you can compose yourself and deal with the supplier direct, then you will probably have a better outcome than someone on your behalf.

When something doesn’t go quite right, either in the run up to the wedding or on the day, these situations are a great opportunity to get added value – an upgrade, a freebie or a discount. The scale of the compensation will depend on the scale of the cock up. Don’t be afraid to ask for more than you expect as you’re likely to get it.

Whatever you do, don’t threaten them with taking your custom elsewhere, unless you’re sure that you can get the service you require done by someone else with the notice you’re giving! Threatening a supplier is only damaging to your relationship and the service levels you will receive later down the line. So stay calm and focussed.

How to ask for compensation
Hopefully, your supplier will offer you compensation for their mistakes without you having to ask. Should this be case, always ask for more. Don’t be too cheeky, but do push the boat out to get more – you’ll be surprised at how far they will go. Reputation is important to virtually all wedding suppliers and one upset bride or groom can go a long way to damaging the reputation that they’ve spent years building up. If you walk away pleased, you’ll only sing their praises to your friends.

Sometimes suppliers aren’t very forthcoming with offers of compensation, so you’ll need to ask. It’s critical you remain calm, objective and have a confident approach. When you speak to the supplier, explain the following:
- Tell them you’re not happy with the service
- Explain to them why you’re not happy
- Remind them what you agreed about the service (i.e. what’s in the contract)
- Remind them how much you’re spending with them
- Ask for compensation

At the end point where you ask for compensation, you can ask them to recommend a level of compensation or you can ask for a certain amount of compensation. For example:

With the first example, you’re allowing the supplier to offer a discount which you can then negotiate. With the second example, you’re setting the level of compensation which is then non-negotiable. Either is acceptable and it depends entirely how confident you’re feeling.

The example I’ve given above is a situation where you’re asking for compensation after the event. The same rules apply if something isn’t quite right before the event as well.

It’s worth reminding you that it is critical that you stay calm and you put across your point clearly. If you get upset or angry, you’ll only antagonise the supplier, create a difficult situation and not get what you want.

What is fair compensation?
I suppose the answer to this is how long is a piece of string? It depends on what you need compensation for, what went wrong, how it affected your plans and whose fault it was.The best person to judge what fair compensation would be is probably you. Only you know what has happened and so only you can judge what is fair.

In terms of what you can ask for as compensation, well anything is possible. Here are just a few examples, but think about your needs and what you want and use them as part of the negotiation for compensation.
- Monetary discounts off the total bill
- Additional services at a discounted rate or for free
- Upgrades at a discounted rate or for free

Use your imagination and think about what other things you might want or how you can extend the service you’re being offered in order to get fair compensation. Now’s the time to pull out that list of trade-offs to give you ideas.

The following chapters look at each supplier in detail. Various techniques and strategies are outlined for each one, so you know exactly what you can and can't negotiate on and the best way to do it.

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